


My Immortal Amis

by Grantairesatellite



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Jeremy corbyn - Freeform, My Immortal - Freeform, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, UK Politics, im sorry, jezza is in thi a lot
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-08
Updated: 2018-08-07
Packaged: 2018-12-12 22:11:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 10,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11746197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Grantairesatellite/pseuds/Grantairesatellite
Summary: I'm so, so sorry Victor Hugo.A Les Mis fanfic written in the beautiful artistic style of My Immortal.In which Grantaire fucking hates preps ad just wants to fight Tories with Enjolras.





	1. Chapter 1

Hi my name is Grantaire Cynic Vodka Sadn’ess Way and I have long ebony black hair (that’s how I got my name) with a red beanie that reaches my mid-back and dark green orbs like dirty river water and a lot of people tell me I look like George Blagden (AN: if u don’t know who he is get da hell out of here!). I’m a revolutionary but I don’t believe in anything (apart from Enjolras bc he’s a major freaking hottie!!. I have pale white skin. I’m a revolutionary and I hang out in a cafe called the Musain where I always sit in the corner (I’m 21). I’m a cynic (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly black and green. I love charity shops and I buy all my clothes from them. For example today I was wearing a olive green jumper with holes around it and black denim jeans, pink socks and black combat boots. I was wearing chapstick, had bags under my eyes and they were red. I was walking outside the Musain. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of Tories stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

“Hey Grantaire!” shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Enjolras!

“What’s up Enjolras?” I asked.

“Nothing.” he said shyly.

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.

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AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!


	2. Chapter 2

AN: Fangz 2 XxxVictorHug0xxX 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!

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The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I pulled my blanket off me and drank some vodka from a bottle I had. My bed was black ebony and the sheets were i hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my bed and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on black leather trousers, a rosette Enjolras had given me, combat boots and black socks on. I put on deodorant, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.

My friend, Eponine (AN: Raven dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)

“OMFG, I saw you talking to Enjolras yesterday!” she said excitedly.

“Yeah? So?” I said, blushing.

“Do you like Enjolras?” she asked as we went out of the flat and into the street.

“No I so fucking don’t!” I shouted.

“Yeah right!” she exclaimed. Just then, Enjolras walked up to me.

“Hi.” he said.

“Hi.” I replied flirtily.

“Guess what.” he said.

“What?” I asked.

“Well, Jeremy Corbyn is doing a speech.” he told me.

“Oh. My. Fucking. God!” I screamed. I love JC. He is my fave Socialist, besides Lenin. “Well…. do you want to go with me?” he asked.

I gasped.    



	3. Chapter 3

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don’t own dis or da words from da speech

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On the night of the speech I put on my black lace-up boots. Underneath them were ripped red socks- I wish I could afford new ones. Then I put on jeans. I put on matching denim on my body. I brushed my hair and made it look all curly. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. I read a depressing book (Something about the Napoleonic wars lolz) while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to a podcast. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner- Enjolras lieks black eyeliner. Then I drank some vodka. I didn’t put on foundation because I was pale anyway. I drank some whiskey so I was ready to go to the speech.

I went outside. Enjolras was waiting there in front of his car. He was wearing a Green Party t-shirt (they would be at the speech too), baggy red skater pants and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).

“Hi Enjolras!!!!” I said in a depressed voice.

“Hi Grantaire.” he said back. We walked into his black Prius Hybrid (the license plate said Vive La Revolution) and drove to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to the Communist Manifesto audiobook and Das Kapital. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the crowd at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Jezza.

"And if I may, I would like to quote one of my favourite poets Percy B. Shelley, who wrote in the early 19th Century, many, many poems and travelled extensively around Europe. And the line I like the best is this one: rise like lions after slumber, in unvanquishable number. Shake your chains to earth like dew: Which in sleep had had fallen on you. You are many, they are few!” said Jeremy (AN: I don’t own da words 2 dat poem).

“Jeremy is so fucking hot.” I said to Enjolras, pointing to him as he spoke, filling the crowd with his amazing voice.

Suddenly Enjolras looked sad.

“What’s wrong?” I asked as we lifted our placards. Then I caught on.

“Hey, it’s ok I don’t like him better than YOU!” I said.

“Really?” asked Enjolras sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.

“Really.” I said. “Besides I don’t even know Jeremy. At least I don’t like Teresa fucking May. I fucking hate that little bitch.” I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly grey face.

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Enjolras. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Jeremy for his autographs and photos with him. We got Labour Party concert tees. Enjolras and I crawled back into the Prius, but Enjolras didn’t go back into the Musain, instead he drove the car into……………………… the Corinthe!!!    



	4. Chapter 4

AN: I sed stup flaming ok Grantaire’s name is Granter nut mary su OK! ENJOLRAS IS SOO IN LUV wif him dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!

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“ENJOLRAS!” I shouted. “What the fuck do you think you are doing?”

Enjolra didn’t answer but he stopped the prius hybrid and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.

“What the fucking hell?” I asked angrily.

“Grantaire?” he asked.

“What?” I snapped.

Enjolras leaned in extra-close and I looked into his eyes which were as blue as the blue in the French flag which revealed so much depressing sorrow and revolution and then suddenly I didn’t feel mad anymore.

And then…………… suddenly Enjolras kissed me passionately. He climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against the bar. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my beanie. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.

“Oh! Oh! Oh! ” I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!”

It was…………………………………………………….Marius!  


	5. chapter 5

AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! Da only reson Marius swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!

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Marius made and ENjolras and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

“You ludacris fools!” he shouted.

I started to cry tears of vodka down my pallid face. Enjolras comforted me. When we went back to the Mussain Marius took us to Courfeyrac and Combeferre who were both looking very angry.

“They were having sexual intercourse in the Corinthe” he yelled in a furious voice.

“Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?” asked Combeferre

“How dare you?” demanded Courfeyrac.

And then Enjolras shrieked. “BECAUSE I LOVE HIM!”

Everyone was quiet. Marius and Combeferre still looked mad but Courfeyrac said. “Fine. Very well. Go home.”

Enjolras and I left the Musain while our friends glared at us.

“Are you okay, R?” Enjolras asked me gently.

“Yeah I guess.” I lied. I left him and went to my flat and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into dinosaur pyjamas. When I came out….

Enjolras was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing ‘Oh Jeremy Corbyn’ which we heard at the speech. I was so flattered, even though he wasn’t supposed to be there- did he follow me home?! We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his flat.  


	6. chapter 6

AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows!

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The next day I woke up in my bed. I put on a black jeans that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and boots that were black. I put sunglasses. I put on my beanie.

In the Musain, I ate some Honey Cheerios with vodka instead of milk, and a bloody mary Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the cocktail spilled over my top.

“Bastard!” I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a Romantic boy with long brown hair with flowers in it. He was wearing so much tropical themed clothes. He had nice socks with pineapples on them. He had a sexy Yorkshire accent. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like getting wet only I’m a boy so I didn’t you sicko.

“I’m so sorry.” he said in a shy voice.

“That’s all right. What’s your name?” I questioned.

“My name’s Jehan Prouvaire, although most people call me pina colada these days.” he grumbled.

“Why?” I exclaimed.

“Because I love the taste of rum.” he giggled.

“Well, I am an alcoholic.” I confessed.

“Really?” he whimpered.

“Yeah.” I roared.

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Enjolras came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.


	7. Chapter 7

AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! Grantaire isn’t a Gary Stu ok he isn’t perfect SHES A ALCOHOLIK! n he has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake!

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Enjolras and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went to his flat. I was wearing red Labour sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Gary Stu 2 u?). I waved to Pina Colada who lived next door. The Gothic Sublime was in his Romantic eyes. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Enjolras. Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Enjorlas. We went into his room and locked the door. Then…………

We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my jeans. Then I took off my black leather shoe and he took off his y fronts. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy’s thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?)

“Oh Enjo, Enjo!” I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Enjolas’s arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words………… Pina Colada!

I was so angry.

“You bastard!” I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

“No! No! But you don’t understand!” Enchilada pleaded. But I knew too much.

“No, you fucking idiot!” I shouted. “You probably have AIDs anyway!”

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Ezi ran out even though he was naked- good thing he didn’t live near a school. He had a really big you-know-what ;) but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and did so until I was in Pina’s flat where he was having a chat with Courfeyrac and some other people.

“PINA COLADA PROUVAIRE, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!” I yelled.  


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8. AN: stop flassing ok! if u do den u r a prep!

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Everyone in the room stared at me and then Enjolras came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back.

“Grantaire, it’s not what you think!” Engels screamed sadly.

My friend B'loody Bob Smith smiled at me understatedly. He flipped his long waste-length gothic black hair and opened his crimson eyes like blood that he was wearing contact lenses on. He had pale white skin that he was wearing white makeup on. Joly was kidnapped when he was born. His real parents are communists and one of them is a Trotskyite but Theresa May killed his mother and his father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. He still has nightmares about it and he is very haunted and depressed. It also turns out his real name is Bob and not Joly. (

“What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!” Covfefe demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him.

“Pina Colada, I can’t believe you cheated on me with Engine!” I shouted at him.

Everyone gasped.

I don’t know why Grantaire was so mad at me. I had went out with Pina Colada (I’m bi and so is Grantaire) for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Montparnasse, a stupid emo fucker. We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.)

“But I’m not going out with Enjolras anymore!” said Pina Colada.

“Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!” I screamed. I ran out of the flat and into the Corinthe where I had lost my virility to Enjolras and then I started to bust into tears.  


	9. Chapter 9

AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox! dis is frum da tom hooper movie ok so itz nut my folt if marius swers! besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! and da reson courfeyrac dosent lik pina colada now is coz hes stalinist and pina is a trotskyite! MCR ROX!

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I was so mad and sad. I couldn’t believe Enjolras for cheating on me. I began to cry against the loo seat where I did it with enjolara.

Then all of a suddenly, an horrible woman with grey hair and no soul and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick! She didn’t have a costed manifesto (basically like Louis 18 in the movie) and she was wearing all horrible necklaces and grey clothes but it was obvious she wasn’t interesting. It was…… Theresa May!

“No!” I shouted in a scared voice but then Theresa shouted “strong and stable!” and I couldn’t run away.

“Gay people!” I shouted at her. Theresa fell of his broom and started to scream. I felt bad for her even though I’m a sadist so I stopped.

“Grantaie.” he yelled. “Thou must kill Pina Colada Prouvaire!”

I thought about Pina and his sexah eyes and his Romantic long hair and how his face looks just like Percy Shelley. I remembered that ENjolraASA had said I didn’t understand, so I thought, what if Enjo went out with Pinecone before I went out with him and they broke up?

“No, Theresa!” I shouted back.

Theresa gave me a gun. “No! Please!” I begged.

“Thou must!” she yelled. “If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Enjolras!”

“How did you know?” I asked in a surprised way.

Theresa got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on her face. “I hath telekinesis.” she answered cruelly. “And if you doth not kill Pina Colada, then thou know what will happen to Enjolsa!” she shouted. Then she flew away angrily on his broomstick.

I was so scared and mad I didn’t know what to do. Suddenly Enjolras came into the corinthe toilets.

“Enj!” I said. “Hi!”

“Hi.” he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing a red jumper and messy eyeliner kind of like a hammer (geddit) between Marx and Lenin. “Are you okay?” I asked.

“No.” he answered.

“I’m sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me.” I expelled.

“That’s okay.” he said all depressed and we went back into the Musain together making out.


	10. Chapter 10

AN: stup it u milk drinkers if u donot lik ma story den fukk off! ps it turnz out b’loody bob isn’t a doctor afert al n he n goffik r evil datz y dey movd jobz ok!

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I was really scared about Theresa May all day. I was even upset went to rehearsals with my Communist goth band Jeremy’s bloody Corbyn’s 666. I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar liek george blagden (AN: look him up bc hes a major hotttttie!!). People say that we sound like a cross between monks chanting, baroque piano and greenday. The other people in the band are B’loody Bob, Pina Colada, ENjolras, Bossuet (although we call him Eagle Man now. He has black hair now- not bald- with blue streaks in it.) and Javert. Only today Enj and Pina were depressed so they weren’t coming and we wrote songs instead. I knew Enjo was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn’t die because he was a communist too and the only way you can kill a communist is with a c-r-o-s-s (there’s no way I’m writing that) or a steak (hes a vegetarian)) and Pina Colada was probably watching a Romantic movie like Jane Eyre. I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my nips and tiny matching shorts that said Vote Labour on the butt. You might think I’m a slut but I’m really not.

We were singing a cover of Ohhh Jeremy Corbyn and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears.

“Granter! Are you OK?” B’loody Bob asked in a concerted voice.

“What the fuck do you think?” I asked angrily. And then I said. “Well, Theresa May came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Pina! But I don’t want to kill him, because, he’s really nice, even if he did go out with Enjlol. But if I don’t kill Pina, then Theresa, will fucking kill Enj!” I burst into tears. Suddenly Enjolras jumped out from behind a wall.

“Why didn’t you fucking tell me!” he shouted. “How could you- you- you fucking poser conservative dick!” (c is dat out of character?)

I started to cry and cry. Enrique Iglesias started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying.

We practiced for one more hour. Then suddenly Marius walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn’t cause he had a headache.

“What have you done!” He started to cry wisely. (c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y) “Groucho Ent has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists.”  


	11. Chapter 11

AN: i sed stup flaming up prepz! c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111 it delz wit rly sris issus! sp c 4 urself if itz ztupid brw fangz 2 ma frend victor 4 hleping me!

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“NO!” I screamed. I was horrorfied! B’loody Bob tried to comfort me but I told him fuck off and I ran to my flat crying myself. Marius chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a perv that way.

Anyway, I started crying tears of blood and then I slit both of my wrists. They got all over my clothes so I took them off and jumped into the bath angrily while I put on a Elliott Smith song at full volume. I grabbed a steak and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide but i ate it instead- it was medium rare. I was so fucking depressed! I got out of the bathtub and put on a black low-cut jumper with holes all over it sandly. I put on black boots with metal stuff on the ends and six pairs of socks. I couldn’t fucking believe it. Then I looked out the window and screamed… Courfeyrac was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Bahorel was masticating to it! They were sitting on their chairs.

“EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!” I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of che guava on it. Suddenly Pina Colada ran in.

“Abra Kedavra!” he yelled at Courth and Bohoral pointing his womb. I took my gun and shot cof and bozo a gazillion times and they both started screaming and the camera broke. Suddenly, Marius ran in. “Gronto, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” he shouted looking at Cholera and Byzantium and then he waved his hand and suddenly…

Javert ran outside on his feet and said everyone we need to talk.

“What do you know, Javer? You’re just a little police man!”

“I MAY BE A POLICE MAN……..” Hargirid paused angrily. “BUT I AM ALSO A UNIONIST!”

“This cannot be.” courfeyrac said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where Marius’ gun had shot him. “There must be other factors.”

“YOU DON’T HAVE ANY!” I yelled in madly.

Bahorel held up the camera triumelephantly. “The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!”

I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough wine.

“Why are you doing this?” Bahorel said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his clook.

And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him. I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to mug him and drink his vodka because I felt faint.

“BECAUSE…BECAUSE….” Javert said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving his baton in the air. Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a sea shanty version of a song by kanye.

“Because you’re a unionist?” Courf asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraind it meant he was connected with Jeremy Corbyn.

“Because I LOVE HIM!”


	12. Chapter 12

AN: stop f,aing ok Jvert is a pedo 2 a lot of ppl in = police r lik dat I wunted 2 adres da ishu! how du u no courf iant kristian plus javert isn’t really in luv wif granters dat was gavroche ok!

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I was about to slit my wrists again with the silver knife that Onjolras had given me in case anything happened to him. He had told me to use it valiantly against an tory but I knew that we must both go together.

“NO!” I THOUGHT IT WAS JAVert but it was Pina. He started to scream. “OMFG! NOOOOO! MY HAIR HURTS!” and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.

I stopped. “How did u know?”

“I saw it! And my hair turned back into the plait!”

“NO!” I ran up closer. “I thought you didn’t have a plait anymore!” I shouted.

“I do but Eagleman changed it into a bun for me and I always cover it up with floers.” he said back. “Anyway my hair hurt and it turned back into the plait! Save me! then I had a vision of what was happening to ENJolass……..Tressa has him bondage!”

Anyway I was in the gp’s office now recovering from my slit wrists. Courf and Bahorel and Javert were there too. They were going to NHS after they recovered cause they were pedofiles and you can’t have those fucking pervs being in a cllub with lots of hot revolutionaries. Marius had constipated the cideo camera they took of me naked. I put up my middle finger at them.

Anyway Javert came into my hospital bed holding a bouquet of pink roses.

“Grotty I need to tell u somethnig.” he said in a v. serious voice, giving me the roses.

“Fuck off.” I told him. “You know I fucking hate the color pink anyway, and I don’t like fucked up police like you.” I snapped. Javert had been mean to me before for being revolutionary.

“No Giraffe.” Javert says. “Those are not roses.”

“What, are they communists too you poser tory?” I asked cause I was angry that he had brought me pink roses.

“I saved your life!” He yelled angrily. “No you didn’t I replied.” “You saved me from getting a Paris Hilton p- video made from your shower scene and being vued by courf and bahorel.” Who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong) to it he added silently.

“Whatever!” I yelled angirly.

He pointed his hand at the pink roses. “These aren’t roses.” He suddenly looked at them with an evil look in his eye and muttered Well If you wanted Honesty that’s all you haD TO SAY! .

“That’s not an apology that’s an MCR song.” I corrected him wisely.

“I know, I was just warming up my vocal cordes.” Then he screamed. “Petulus merengo mi kremicli napoleaono(4 all u cool goffic mcr fans out, there, that is a tribute! specially for voctor I love you girl!)imo noto okayo!”

And then the roses turned into a huge black flame floating in the middle of the air. And it was red and yellow. Now I knew he wasn’t a tory.

“OK I believe you now wtf is enjik?”

Javert rolled his eyes. I looked into the balls of flame but I could c nothing.

“U c, Grandma,” Dumblydore said, watching the two of us watching the flame. “2 c wht iz n da flmes(HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT) u mst find urslf 1st, k?”

“I HAVE FOUND MYSELF OK YOU MEAN OLD MAN!” Java coffee yelled. MARRYUS lookd shockd. I guess he didn’t have a headache or else he would have said something back.

Javert stormed off back into his bed. “U r a liar, monsieur Marius!”

Anyway when I got better I went home and put on a black leather loafers that was all ripped on the soles with laces on it. There was some brogue stuff on the front. Then I put on black socks and black tshirts with pictures of Bukharin on them. I put my hair all out around me so I looked like George Blagden from Vikings(if u don’t know who he iz ur a tory so fuk off!) and I put on chapstick and drank 5 bottles of vodka.

“You look kawaii, boy.” B’loody Bob said sadly. “ta you do too.” I said sadly too, but I was still upset. I slit both of my wrists feeling totally depressed and I drank 2 more bottles of smirnoff ice. I cried again in my bathroom and put the shades on so courf and bahorel couldn’t spy on me this time. I went to some meetings. Pina was in the racism is bad meeting. He looked all depressed because Enjollypop had disappeared and he had used to be in love with Eggs. He was stealing some rum from a tory.

“Hi.” he said in a depressed way. “Hi back.” I said in an wqually said way.

We both looked at each other for some time. Pina had beautiful red Romatic eyes so much like Enjolras. Then……… we jumped on each other and started screwing each other.

“STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!” shouted Combeferre who was watching us and so was everyone else.

“Pina Colada you fucker!” I said slapping him. “Stop trying to screw me. You know I loved Enjolras!” I shouted and then I ran away angrily.

Just then he started to scream. “OMFG! NOOOOO! MY HAIR HURTS!” and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.

“NO!” I ran up closer.

“I thought you didn’t have a hair anymore!” I shouted.

“I do but Eagleman changed it into a bun for me and I always cover it up with flowers.” he said back. “Anyway my hair hurt and then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco…………….Volfemort has him bondage!”

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SPECIAL FANGZ 2 VIKTER MY REVOLUTIOMARY BLOOD BRUVA WTF UR SUPPOZD 2 RIT DIS!11111111

HEY VICTOR DO U KNOW WHERE MY FIRTS NAMES I


	13. Chapter 13

AN: Vikter fangz 4 gelpin me agen im sory ah tok ur postr of robspier but dat guy is such a fokin sexbom! PREPZ STOP FLAMIGNG!

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Pina Koala and I ran up to the Musain looking for Marius. We were so scared.

“Marius Manuris!” we both yelled. Marius came there.

“What is it that you want now you despicable snobs?” he asked angrily.

“Theresa May has Enjolas!” we shouted at the same time.

He laughed in an evil voice.

“No! Don’t! We need to save Enj!” we begged.

“No.” he said meanly. “I don’t give a darn what Theresa does to Enjolras. Not after how much he misbehaved in meetings especially with YOU Grantaire.” he said while he frowned looking at me. “Besides I never liked him that much anyway.” then he walked away. Jehan started crying. “My Enjolras!” he moaned. (AN: don’t u fik gay guyz r lik so hot!)

“Its okay!” I tried to tell him but that didn’t stop him. He started to cry tears of india ink. Then he had a brainstorm. “I had an idea!” he exclaimed.

“What?” I asked him.

“You’ll see.” he said. He took out his phone and called an uber. Then…… suddenly we were in Therea’s lair!

We ran in with our fists up just as we heard a croon voice say. “Austerity Kedavara!” It was……………………………….. Prime Minister Theresa May! 


	14. Chapter 14

AN: fuk off PREPZ ok! Vicky fangz 4 helpin agen. im sory ah kudnt update but I wuz derperessd n I had 2 go 2 da hospital kuz I slit muh rists. PS im nut updating til u giv me 10 god revoiws!

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WARNING: SUM OF DIS CHAPTA IS XTREMLY SCRAY. VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISD.

We ran to where May was. It turned out that May wasn’t there. Instead the fat guy who killed the EU was (Boris Johansson). Enjolras was there crying tears of revolutionary fervour. Boris was torturing him. Pina Colada and I ran in front of BoJo.

“Rid my sight you despicable preps!” he shouted as we started shooting him with the gun he Then suddenly he looked at me and he fell down with a lovey-dovey look in his eyes. “GrantaireIloveyouwiluhavesexwithme.” he said. (in dis he is sixteen yrs old so hes not a pedofile ok)

“Huh?” I asked. ”Grotnaer I love you will you have sex with me?” asked Boris Johnson. I started laughing crudely. “What the fuck? You torture my bf and then you expect me to fuck you? God, you are so fucked up you fucking bastard.” I said angrily. Then I stabbed him in the heart. Blood pored out of it like a fountain.

“Nooooooooooooo!” he screamed. He started screaming and running around. Then he fell down and died. I brust into tears sadly.

“Boris what art thou doing?” called Theresa May. Then…… she started coming! We could hear her high heels clacking to us. So we got on our uber and we drove to the Musain. We went to my flat. Pina went away. There I started crying.

“What’s wrong honey?” asked Enjolras taking off his clothes so we could screw. He had a sex-pack (geddit cuz hes so sexah) and a really huge you-know-what and everything.

“Its so unfair!” I yielded. “Why can’t I just be ugly or plain like all da other boys and tories here except for B’loody Bob (dis is Joly btw), because he’s not ugly or anything.”

“Why would you wanna be ugly? I don’t like the tories anyway. They are such fucking sluts.” answered Enjolras.

“Yeah but everyone is in love with me! Like Courfeyrac and Bahorel took a video of me naked. Javert says he’s in love with me. Jehan Colada likes me and now even Boris Johnson is in love with me! I just wanna be with you ok Enj! Why couldn’t Satan have made me less beautiful?” I shouted angrily. (an” don’t wory R isn’t a snob or anyfing but a lot of ppl hav told him hes pretty) “Im good at too many things! WHY CAN’T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT’S A FUCKING CURSE!” I shouted and then I ran away.


	15. Chapter 15

AN: stup flaming ok! btw u suk frum no on evry tim sum1 flams me im gona slit muh ristsz! fangz 2 VicHugo666 4 hlpein!

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“Gronter Granter!” shouted Enjolras sadly. “No, please, come back!”

But I was too mad.

“Whatever! Now u can go anh have sex with Jehan!” I shouted. I stormed into my room and closed my black door with my blood-red key. It had a picture of Jeremy Corbyn on it. He looked so sexy in a way that reminded me of Enjolras and Pina Prouvaire. I started to cry and weep. I took a razor and started to slit my wrists. I drank the vodka all depressed. Then I looked at my black LP (labour party) watch and noticed it was time to go to a meeting.

I put on a short ripped black jumper that said Anarchy on the front in blood red letters and was all ripped and a spiky belt. Under that I put on ripped black jeans and boots that said Jezza all over them with blood red letters. I put my ebony black hair out. Anyway I went downstairs feeling all sad and depressed as usual. I did sum art at the mettin. I was turning a bloody pentagram into a hammer and sickle. Suddenly the guitar turned to ENjolras!

“Gatnere I love you!” he shouted sadly. “I dnot care what those fucker tories and posers fink. Ur da most beautiful boy in the world. Before I met you I used to want to commit suicide all the time. Now I just wanna fucking be with you. I fucking love you!.” Then……………. he started to sing “The USSR National Anthem” (we considered it our song now cuz we fell in love when our comrades were singing it) right in front of the entire meeting! His singing voice was so amazing and revolutionary and sexxy like a cross between Marx, Engels, Lenin, Stalin and Leon Trotsky (AN: don’t u fink dos guyz r so hot. if u dnot no who dey r get da fuk out od hr!) .

“OMFG.” I said after he was finished. Some fucking tories stared at us but I just stuck up my middle fingers (that were covered in black nail polish and were entwined with Enjolas' now) at them. “I love you!” I said and then we started to kiss just like Hilary Duff (i fukin h8 dat bitch) and CMM in a Cinderella Story. Then we went away holding hands. Bahorel shouted at us but he stopped cuz everyone was clapping by how sexy we looked 2gether. Then I saw a poster saying that Jeremy Corbyn would have a speech in London right then. We looked at each other all shocked and then we went 2gether.


	16. Chapter 16

N: u no wut! sut up ok! proov 2 me ur nut prepz! vicotr u suk u fuken bich gimme bak mah fukijn swteet ur supsd 2 rit dis! victor wtf u bich ur suposd to dodis! BTW fangz 2 pierre5655 4 techin muh french!

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We ran happily to London. There we saw the stage where JC had spoken. We ran in happly. The Green Party were there talkin about trees. I was so fucking happy! Natalie looked even sexier than she did in da pictures. Even Enjolras thought so, I could totally see him getting an erection but it didn’t matter cuz I knew know that we were da only true ones for eachother. I was wearing a black leather jacket and black leather platinum boots with red ripped fishnets. Draco was wearing a black baggy Che Guevara t-shirt and black baggy trousers. Anyway, we stated moshing to the fully costed manifesto. We frenched. We ran up 2 the front of the stage to stage-dive. Suddenly, Jeremy Corbyn pulled off his mask. So did the others. We gasped. It wasn’t them at all. It was.,……………………….. Theresa May and da Death Tories!

“Wtf enjolras im not going to a speech wid u!” I shouted angrily. “Not after what happened to me last time? Even if its labour n u no how much I lik them”

“What cause we…you know…” he gadgetted uncomfortbli cause guys don’t like to talk a bout you-know-what.

“Yeah cause we you know!” I yielded in an angry voice.

“We won’t do that again.” enjy promised. “This time, we’re going with an ESCORT.”

“OMFG wtf/ Are you giving into the mainstream?” I asked. “So I guess ur a tory or a ukip or what now?”

“NO.” he muttered loudly.

“R u becoming a conservative or what?” I shootd angrily.

“Grantyr! I’m not! Pls come with me!” He fell down to his knees and started singing ‘I will follow u into the dark’ by George Blagden to me.

I was flattened cause that’s not even a single, he had memorized da lyrks just 4 me!

“OK then I guess I will have to.” I said and then we frenched 4 a while and I went up 2 my room.

B’loody Bob (Joly) was standing there. “Bonjour, ca va? gurl.” he said happily (he spex french so do i. dat menz ‘how do u do’ in french). “BTW Eponine that fucking poser got expuld. she failed al her klasses and she skepped math.” (an: VICTOR U FUKIN SUK! FUK U!)

“It serves that fuking bich right.” I laughed angrily.

Well anyway we where felling all deprezzed. We wutsched some commie movies like The Motorcycle diaries. “Maybe Eponine will die too.” I said.

“Je m’appelle .” B’loody Bob shook his head enrgtically lethrigcly. “Oh yeah o have a confession after she got expuld I murdered her and den Bahorel did it with her cause he’s a necphilak.”

“C’est bon.” I commnted happily . We talked to each other in silence for da rest uv da movie.

“OH HEY BTw, im going to a speech with Enjy tonight in London with Jezza.” I sed. “ I need to wear like da hotset outfit EVA.”

B’Loody Bob Nodded ENREGeticALLlY. “Omfg totally lets go shopping.”

“In the labour merch shop, right?” I asked, already getting out my spshcial Labour Loiyalty carde.

“No.” My head snaped up.

‘WHAT?” my head spuin. I could not believe it. “B’Loody Bob are u a TORY?”

“NOOOO!NOOOO!” he laughed. “I found some cool commie stores near the Musain that’s all.”

“Hu told u abut them” I askd sure it would be ENj or Eagle Man or Pina Colada(don’t even SAY that nam to me!). Or me.

“Maarius.” he sed. “Let me just call our bikes.”

“OMFFG MARIUS?” I asked quietly.

“Yah I saw the map for London on his desk.” he told me. “Come on let’s go.”

We were going in a few Boho stores SPECIALLY for the concerts in London. The salesperson was OMG HOTTER THAN BLAGDEN EXCEPT NOT CAUSE THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE and he gave me a few tops. “We only have these for da real labour supporters.”

“Da real Labourites?” Me and B’Loody Bob asked.

“Yah u wouldn’t believe how many posers ther are in this town man! Yesterday Bahorel and Combeferre tried to buy a communist camera pouch.” He shook his head. “I dint even no they had a camera.”

“OMFG NO THEIR GONNA SPY ON ME AGAIN!” I cried, running out of the changing room wearing a long black shirt with lots of red tulle coming out and very low-cut with a huge slit.

“Oh my Lenin you have to buy that outfit” The salesperson said.

“Yeah it looks totlly hot.” said B’Loody Bob.

“You know what I am gona give it to you free cause u look really hot in that utfit. Hey are you gonna be at the speech tonight?” he asked.

“Yeah I am actually.” I looked back at him. “Hey BTW my name’s Grantaire Cynic Vodka Sadn’ess KARL Way what’s yours?”

“Terry Mae.” He said and ran a hand through his grey hair. “maybe I’ll see you there tonight.”

“Yeah I don’t think so cause I am going there with my bf Enjolras you sick perv!” I yelled angrily, but before he could beg me to go with him, Javert rode in on his black Boris bike looking worried. “OMFG GRANTAIRE U NEED OT GET BACK INTO THE CASTLE NOW!”


	17. chapter 17

AN: I sed stup flming da stryo! if ur a tory den dnot red it! u kin tel weder ur a tory or not by ma quiz itz on ma hompage. if ur not den u rok. if u r den FOOOOOK UFFFFFFFFFF! pz victor isn’t rely a tory. victor plz do dis il promis 2 giv u bak ur postr!

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Terry Mae gave us some clothes n stuff 4 free. He said he wud help us wif makeup if he wunted koz he was relly in2 fashin n stuff. (hes bisezual). Javert kept shooting at us to cum back 2 the Musain. “WTF Javert?” I shouted angrily. “Fuck off you fjucking bastard.” Well anyway Eponine came. Javert went away angrily.

“Hey bitch you look tres bien.” she said.

“Yah but not as tres bien as you.” I answered sadly cause Eponine’s really pretty and everything. She was wearing a short black corset-thingy with blood red lace on it and a blak communist-red miniskirt, leather fish-nets and black poiny boots that showed off how pale she wuz. She had a really nice body wif big bobs and everything. She was thin enouff 2 be anorexic.

“So r u going 2 da concert wif Enjolras?” she asked.

“Yah.” I said happily.

“I’m gong with Eagle Man.” she anserred happily. Well anyway Enjolas and Eagle guy came. They were both loking extremely hot and sexy and u could tell they thoufht we were ot 2. Legless was wearing a black t-shirt that said ‘vive la revolution’ on it. He was wearing tons off makeup jus like Rosa Luxemburg. Enjolras was wearing black leather pants, a gothic black NHS t-shirt and black Vans he got from da communist march. B’loody Bobs was going 2 da concert wif Musichetta. used to be called Azelma but it tuned out dat she was kidnapped at birth and her real family were Communists. They dyed in a car crash. Azelma converted to Anarcho-Communism and she went red. She was in the labour party now. She was wearing a black red rose t-shirt, black jeans and shoes and black hair wif red streekz in it. We kall her Musichetta now. Well anyway we al went 2 Enjolras’ black prius-hybrid (geddit cuz wer labour) that his dad Mr. Enjolra Sr gave him. We did pot, weed and marijana. Enjo and I made out. We made fun of dose stupid fuking tories. We soon got there…….I gapsed.

Jeremy was da sexiest guy eva! He locked even sexier den he did in last time. He had short snow white hair n piercing blue eyes. He wuz really skinny and he had n amazing socialist voice. We moshed 2 the manifesto and sum odder policies. Sudenly Jeremy polled of his mask. So did the other labour supporters. I gasped. It wasn’t Jezza at all! It was an ugly tory woman wif no soul and a chunky necklace... Every1 ran away but me and Enjolras. Enjolras and I came. It was…….Theresa May and da Toreez!

“U moronic idiots!” she shooted angstily. “Gronter, I told u to kill Pina Colada. Thou have failed. And now……….I shall kill thou and Enjolass!”

“No no please!” We begged sadly but she took out his knife.

Sudenly a napoleonic young man zoomed in on his bike. He had short brown hair and lots of frecklez. He wus werring a blak robe dat sed ‘for the many’ on da back. He threw a fully costed manifesto at her and Theresa May ran away. It was…………………………………MARYUS!


	18. chapter 18

AN: I SED STUP FLAMMING! if u do den ur a fuken tory! fangz 2 vikter 4 da help n stuf. u rok! n ur nut a tory. fangz for muh sewter! ps da oder eson marius swor is koz he trin 2 be commie so der!

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I woke up the next day in my sleeping bag. I walked out of it and drank some wiwne, ate some brie, and put on some mint flaoured chapstick and a black really low-cut linen shirt that was all ripped and in stripes so you could see my belly. I was wearing an anti-austerity belly ring with black and red diamonds inside it.

(Da night before Enjolras and I rent back to the Musain (geddit koz im an wino n I like deth). Marius chased Theresa May away. We walked there in hiking boots. Mine was black and the lace-thingys was blood-red. There was lace all over it. Draco had black NHS docs. We went back to our rooms and we had you-know-what to a Pulp song.)

Well anyway I went down to the cafe. There all da walls were painted red and da tables were red too. But you fould see that there was clue pant underneath the red pant. And there were pastors of poser politicians everywhere, like Tony Blair and Gordon Brown.

“WTF!” I shouted going to sit next to B’loody Bob and Eponine. B’loody Bob was wearing a black leather mini with a Trotsky t-shirt, black fishnets and black pointy boots. Eponine was wearing a long gothic blak dress with blood red writing that was all lacy and came up to your thighs and black boots and fishnets. Pina Colada, Musichetta and Enjolras came. We started to talk about who was sexier, Lenin or Fidel Castro or Chairman Mao. The boys joined in cause we were bi.

“Those guys are so fucking hot.” Musichetta was saying as suddenly a labourite man with a nice hat and everything came. He was the same one who had chassed away Theresa May yesterday. He had normal tan skin but he was wearing white foundation and he had died his hare black.

“……………….MARIUS?1!” we all gasped.

“WTF?” I shouted angrily. “I thought he was just wearing that to scare Theresa!”

“Hello everyone.” he said happily. “As u can see I gave the room a makeover. Whjat do u fink about it?”

Everyone from the tory table started to cheer. Well we communists just looked at each other all disfusted and shook our heads. We couldn’t believe what a poseur he was!1.

“BTW you can call me Secretary Marius.” HE CALLED AS WE LEFT to our flats.

“What a fucking poser!” Enjolras shouted angrily as we we to my overpriced studio flat in shoreditch. We were holding hands. Jehan looked really jealous. I could see him crying tears in a Labour way (geddit, way lik jez) but I didn’t say anything. “I bet he’s havin a quarter-life crisis!” Eponine shouted.

I was so fucking angry.


	19. chapter 19

Chapter 19. im nut ok i promise

AN: plz stup flaming da story if u do ur a foken tori n ur jelous ok!11 frum noq un im gong 2 delt ur men reviowz!111 BTW evonyd a poorblod so der!1 fangz 2 victor 4m da help!11

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All day we sat angerly finking about marius. We were so fucking pissed off. Well, I had one thing to look forward too- da next anti-austerity protest. It had been postphoned, so we could all go.

Anyway, I went to the corinthe sadly to down whisky. Enjolras was being all secretive.

I asked what it was and he got all mad me and started crying all hot and angsty (rnt sensitve bi guyz so hot).

“No one fucking understands me!1” he shouted angrily as his blond hare went in his big blue eyes like Robespierre. He was wearing black baggy paints, a black Labour t-shirt and a red tue. (geddit insted of tie koz im labbor) I was wearing a green cravat with chains all over it all over it a blak leather mini, nd black high held boots. My hair was al up inmessy curlz like george blagden in ‘?’. (email me if u wana see da vid)

“Accuse me? What about me!” I growled.

“Buy-but-but-” he grunted.

“You fucking bastard!” I moaned.

“No! Wait! It’s not what it fucking looks like!” he shouted.

But it was to late. I knew what I herd. I ran to the bathroom angrily, cring. Enjolras banged on the door. I whipped and whepped as my blody eyeliner streammed down my cheeks and made cool tears down my feces like Jeremy Corbyn in the video for the general election debate (victor that is soo our video!). I TOOOK OUT A CIGARETE END STARTED TO smoke menthols.

Suddenly Javert came. He had appearated.

“You gave me a fucking shock!” I shouted angrily dropping my cig. “Wtf do you fink you’re doing in da bathroom?”

Only it wasn’t just Javert. Someone else was with him too! For a second I wanted it 2 b terry Mae or maybe Enjo but it was Marius.

“Hey I need to ask you a question.” he said, pulling out his red wanabe-labour bum bag. “What are u wearing to the protest?”

“U no who the labour party r!” I gasped.

“No I just saw there was a protest dat a lot of commies and reds were going 2.” He said. “Anyway Enjolras has a surprise for u.”


	20. Chapter 20

AN: I sed I dnoty ker wut u fink! stof pflamin ok tories!1 fangz 2 victor 4 da help!1 oh yah btw ill be un vacation in sweden (its liek supar socialistt) 4 da nex 3 dayz so dnot expect updatz.

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All day I wondered what the surprise was. Meanwhile, I pot on a blak ledder mini, a blak corset with urple lace stuff all over it, an black gothic compact boots. Labour were gong 2 do the speech again, since Theresa May had taken over the last one. I slit my wrists while I moshed 2 ‘I Have A Dream’ in my bedroom all night, feeling excited. Suddenly someone knocked on the door while I was trying on sum gren clothes and moshing to vaporwave. I gut all mad and turned it of, but sacredly I hopped inside dat it was Enjolras so we could do it again.

“Wut de fucking hell r u doing!” I shouted angrily. It was Bahorel! “R u gonna cum rape me or what.” I yelled. I was allowed to say dat because Marius had told us all 2 be careful around hem and Combeferre since he was a pedo.

“No, actshelly (geddit, hell) kan I plz burrow sum condemns.” he growld angrily.

“Yah, so u can fuk ur six-yr-old gurlfriend, huh?” I shouted sarkastikally.

“Fuker.” He said, gong away.

Well anyway, I put on some black eyesharow, black eyeliner, and some more chapstick (my lips get dry bc of all the vodka teeheee) and moisturised my knees. Then I went. Den I gasped…………………………………………………………….Bahorel and Comeferre were in da middle of da empty hall, doin it, and Marius was watching!1

“Oh my god you ludacris idiot!” they both shooted angrily when they saw me. Marius ran away crying. Dey got up, though. Normally I wood have ben turned on (I luv cing guyz do it) but both of them were fuking tories. (btw combeferre and bahorel is movd 2 tories now)

“WTF is that why u wanted condoms?” I asked sadistically. (c I speld dat)

“Only you wouldn’t give them to me!” Boorish shouted angrily.

“Well you shoulda told me.” I replayed.

“You dimwit!.” Comb began 2 shoot angrily. And then………I took out my black camera and took a pic of them. U could see that they were naked and everything.

“Well xcuse me!” they both shouted angrily. “What was dat al about?”

“It wuz to blackmail u.” I snarked. “So now next time you see me doing it with my boyfriend you cant fuking rat me out or I’ll show dis to Marryus. So fuck off, u bastards!” I started to run. They chased me but I threw my hip flask at them and dey tripped over it. Well anyway, I went outside and there was Pina Colada, looking extremely fucking hot.

“WTF where’d Enjolras?” I asked him.

“Oh he’s bein a fucking bastard. He told me he wouldn’t cum.” Pina said shaking his hed. “U wanna cum with me? 2 the speech?”

Then….. he showed me his car. I gasped. It was a pink fiat 500. He said his dogfather Jean Val Jean had given it 2 him. The license plate on the front sed NHS420 on it. The one on da back said GR0NT3R on it.

……….I gasped.

We flew to the concert hall. Labour were there, talking.

Pina Colada and I began 2 make out, moshing to the muzik. I gapsed, looking at da politicians.

I almost had an orgasim. Jeremy Corbyn was so fucking hot! He begin 2 talk about potholes and his sexah beautiful voice began 2 fill the hall. ……….And den, I heard some crrying. I turned and saw Enjolras, cryin in a corner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys i go to oxford i need to do work what am i doing HELP ME I AM IN A MY IMMORTAL HELL. I turn a street corner and for a half second I see tara smiling at me, i look in the mirror and raven stands behind me. I try to read Les Miserables (acc literature) and my mind fills in what people are wearing and it's all black leather and lace.
> 
> but no,,,, i cannot stop. this fic is.....my mission,,,, my goal,,,,, my child.....
> 
> please enjoy as tara slowly possesses me and my spelling gets even worse


	21. Chapter 21

AN: fuk u ok! u fokng suk. itz nut ma fult if itz speld rong ok koz dat bich victor cuz it fok u tories!1 woopz soz victor fangz 4 da help. btw sweden rox hrad!1 I even gut 2 go 2 da place wer the killing was flimed!

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Later we all went in the musian. Enjolras was crying ion da sofa. “ENjo are u okay?” I asked in a cynical voice.

“No I’m not u fuking bitch!” he shouted angrily. He stated to run out of the place in a suicidal way. I stated to cry cuz I was afraid he would commit suicide.

“Its ok Gronty.” said Pina comfortly. “Ill make him feel better.”

“U mean you’ll go fuck him wont you!” I shouted angrily. Then I ran 2 get Enjolras. PC came too.

“Enj please come!” he began to cry. Tears of rum came down his pail face. I wuz so turned on cuz I love sensitive bi guyz. (if ur a homophone den fuk of!)

And then………………………….. we herd sum footsteps! Pinapple got out his khaki camo jacket. We both gut under it. We saw the policeman Mr. Javert there, shouting angrily with a flashlight in his hand.

“WHOSE THERE!” he shouted angrily. We saw his doggo come. He went unda da camo jacket and started to bork loudly.

“IS ANY1 THERE!” yelled Mr. Java.

“No fuck u you tory little poser sun of a fukcing bich!” Pina Colada said under his breast in a disgusted way.

“EXCUS ME! EXCUS ME WHO SED DAT!” yelled Mr. Javert. Den he heard his heckin pupper meow. “Mr Lawface (dats da dogz name) is der any1 unda da jacket!” he asked. The good boye nodded. And then……………………….Pina Colada frenched me! He did it jus as…………………….. Mr. Javertto was taking of da cloak!1

“WHAT DA-” he yelled but it was 2 late cuz now we were ruining away frum him. And den we saw Enjolras crying n bustin in2 tearz and slitting his rists outside of da cafe.

“Enj!” I cried. “R u okay?”

“I guess though.” Enjolras weeped. We went back to our beds frenching each other. ENJ and I decided to watch dr zhivago (c isnt da deprezzin) on the commie red bed together. As I wuz about 2 put in the video, my eyes rolled up and suddenly I had a vision of something that was happening now. There was a knok on the door and Boris Johnson and da Governmentt cam into da cafe


	22. Chapter 22

AN: stfu! prepz stup flaming ok if u dnot lik it fuk of I no itz mr. javert itz victor folt ok!11 u suk!1 no jus kidding victor u fokieng rok toriez suk!1

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All day everyone talked about the governemtn. Well anyway, I woke up the next day. I was in my bed so I opened the blankets. I was wearing leather pajamas like the 1300 turnip father i am. Then I gasped.

Standing in front of me where………………. B;loody Bob, Pina Colada, Eagleman, Enjolras, Musichetta and Eponine!

I opened my green eyes. Eponine was wearing a tight black leather top with pictures of labour roses all over it. Under that she wart a black poofy skirt wit lace on it and black gothic boots that was attached to the top. Pina was wearing a baggy hawaiian shirt and tight black jeans and espadrilles. ENjoly was wearing his black NHS t-shirt and blak jeans and a leather jacket. He looked just likee Jeremy Corbyn, and almost as fucking sexy. Pina looked like Bernie Sanders. B’loody Bob was wearing a tight black poofy gothic shorts that he had ripped so it showed of all his thighs with a white apron that said ‘chef’ and other culinary words and elliott smith lyrics on it kind of like one apron I had seen Natalie Bennet wear once. Liberty (who is azelma) was there too. She was weaving a ripped gothic black dress with ripped stuff all over it and a lace-up top thing and black pointy boots. So were gavroche and unnamed thernardier child. It turns out that Liberty, Eagle man, gavroche and Unnamed Thernardier Child dad was a tory. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists with a razor. He had raped them and stuff before too. They all got so depressed that they became left wing and converted to labour.

“OMFG” I yielded as I jumped up. “Why the fuck are u all here?”

“Granarybread something is really fucked up.” Enjolras said.

“OK but I need to put my fucking clothes on first.” I shouted angrily.

“It’s all right. We have to go now and you look muy guapo (hez also learning aspaniel too) anyway. Your so fucking beautiful.” ENjolras said in a sexy voice.

“Oh all right.” I said smiling. “But you have to tell me why your being all erective.”

“I will I will.” he said.

So I just put on some black eyeliner, moar chapstick and drank a bottle of absinthe. Then I came. We all went outside the musian and looked in from a widow. A fucking tory called Britney from the conservative party was standing next to us. She was wearing a tweed riding jacket and a pencil skirt so we put up our middle fingers at her. Inside the musian we could see Marsiu. Boris Johnson was there shouting at Marius. Jeremy Hunt was there too.

“THIS CANNOT BE!” he shouted angrily. “THE SCHOOL MUST BE CLOSED!”

“THE BARK LORD IS PLANNING TO KILL THE STUDENTS!” yelled Bo JO.

“YOU ARE NOT FIT TO BE THE LES AMIS ANY LONGER!” yelled Jeremy Hunt. “YOU ARE TOO YOUNG AND YOUR ROMANCE IS DANGEROUS! YOU MUST GO OR THERESA MAY WILL KILL YOUR FRIENDS!”

“Very well.” Marius said angrily. “Butt we cannot do this. We can’t close the cafe. There is only one person who is capable of killing theresa may and he is in the school. And his name is…………………………………………………………………..Grantaire cynic vodka sas’ness Karl Way.”

ENjo, Gavroche, Unnamed Thernardier Child, Liberty, Victor, Pina and B’loody Bob looked at each other………I gasped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls leave more comments they nourish me, im halfway through this beast
> 
> also pls follow me on tumblr! its @patroclae.tumblr.com <3


	23. Chapter 23

AN: dhut da fok up biches!1 ur jus jelos koz I gut 10000 reviowz!1 fangz 2 victer 4 da help n telin me bout da boox boiii rok letz go shopin 2getha!

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The door opened and Jermey HUnt and Boris Jensen stomped out angrily. Then Mroos and Hunterz sawed us.

“MR. WAY WHAT THE BEEP ARE YOU DOING!” BOJO shouted angrily. Marius blared at him.

“Oops he made a mistake!” he corrupted her. “he means hi everybody cum in!”

Well we all came in angrily. So did all the other amis. I sat between Liberty and ENj and opposite B’loody Bob. Gav and UTC (Unnamed Thernarider Child) started 2 make some morbid jokes. They both looked exactly like Thernardier sr. I eight some crunchy nut and drank som vodka from a cup. Then I herd someone shooting angrily. I looked behind me it was………PINA! He and Enjorlas were shooting at eachother.

“pina, enjo WTF?” I asked.

“You fucking bustard!” yelled E nolras at Pinappoli. “I want to shit next to him!1”

“No I do!” shouted.

“No he doesn’t fucking like u, you son of a bitch!” yelled Enjolras.

“No fuck you motherfucker he laves me not you!” shouted Pina. And then……………… he jumped on Enjolras! (no not in dat way u perv) They started to fight and beat up each other.

Marius yelled at them but they didn’t stop. All of a sudden…… a terrible eoman with grey hair and no fashion sense rode in in a rolls royce. she had no mouth and was wearing a gray suit. All the glass in the window she drove thru fell apart. Britney that fucking tory started to cry. Pina and Enjelliclecat stopped fighting….I shopped eating….Everyone gasped. Da room fell silent………………….Theresa May!

“Grant..Georntre.” Theresa May sed evilly in her raspy voice. “Thou havfe failed ur mission. Now I shall kill thou and I shall kill Pina as well. If thou does not kill him before then I shall kill ENjo too!”

“Plz don’t make me kill him plz!” I begged.

“No!” she laughed crudely. “Kill him, or I shall kill him anyway!” Then she flew away cackling.

I bust into tears. Ebj and Pona came to contort me. Suddenly my eyes rolled up so they looked all cool and emo. I had a vision were I saw some lighting flash and then theresa may coming to kill enjy when enrolj slit his wrists in a depressed way.

“No!” I screamed sexily. Suddenly I locked up and stopped having the vision.

“Grantarie R aure you alright?” asked Enjolras in a worried voice.

“Yeah yeah.” I said sadly as I got up.

“Everyfing’s all right Goataire.” said Colada Pina all sensetive.

“No its not!” I shouted angrily. Tearz of vodka went down my face. “OMFG what if I’m getting possessed like in Da Ring 2!”

“Its ok gurl.” said B’loody Bob. “Maybe u should ask Mme Thernardier about what the visions mean though.”

“Ok bich.” I said sadly and den we went.


End file.
